From Dimmed to Divine: How I Reclaimed My Voice and My Power.

As a baby we come into this world without an understanding of what our lives will be. We come in pure, full of God’s love, and yet also full of wisdom. Our souls are full of knowledge from all our past adventures. We are born into families that are supposed to love us deeply and provide for us until we are old enough to stand on our own two feet. Yet, that tends to be a romanticized version of life for a lot of us. A lot of us have deep rooted trauma that begins at a young age, often at the hands of those who are meant to love us. Now, at the age of 33, I am choosing to take my power back and rewrite my story. 

I grew up in a family where I never fit in. I was the outsider unless it was to make my parents look good. Everything was about image with them. Throughout the years, it didn’t matter what I did… It was never good enough. The standards were achievable. Then when the standards were not met, the negative responses were given. Years upon years of being told (directly and indirectly) that I am not doing enough or that I am a failure. Everything I was excited about ended with a dark disheartened ending. My interests, my excitements, my passions, my spiritual abilities all drove down into the ground or placed in a box in the back of the closet… never to be talked about again. Now, I am choosing to work with my spirit team to go back through those memories and change the script. Change the endings from a negative to a lesson learned and positive on my soul's journey in this lifetime and those yet to come.

Chapter 1: The Mirror and the Solitude-

Going back to my furthest memory, I remember often being sent to my room. That was the main punishment anytime I disobeyed. Which if we are looking at it, that was an often occurrence. I remember time after time being in my room bawling my eyes out and not understanding the real reason I was sent there. “Am I not enough? Why am I not supposed to cry? All I did was speak up for myself, "how is that a bad thing”? All these questions now flood my mind when thinking back. Over time,I learned to adjust to the solitude. I can’t say I learned to enjoy it though. Even with my room becoming a safe space in other situations, I didn’t learn the necessity of being alone within myself until much later in life. There is a very specific memory I have at our first house. I was “talking back” to my mom and told to go into my room. She met me at the door with a bar of soap. She put soap in my mouth to prove a point. Then she walked away. I was left standing in the doorway of my room feeling like I needed to vomit. I let her know and her response was that I was not allowed to leave the room. I ended up vomiting on the carpet in the hallway and guess what… got in more trouble for it. This situation has happened more times than I can count or ever truly remember in detail. 

My Rewrite: Using my voice and standing up for myself at such a young age just shows the strength and power of my soul. It shows that my words and energy are strong reflectors to others and it was not that I did anything wrong. I was holding the mirror up to them and they didn’t like what they saw looking back at them. I learned that questioning something that isn’t in alignment is actually a sign of alignment and trusting your inner voice. That just because someone may be older than you or in a specific role, doesn’t mean that you can’t question their reasoning for their behaviors and actions. 

Chapter 2: The Dimming of My Light-

Now we move on to our 2nd house, and the later years past 6th grade. I have so many memories of being told I was failing in school. I often received lower grades and it didn’t matter how hard I tried. I often struggled to pay attention in class and was always told I was a social butterfly. I would come home terrified to show my report cards and even try to hide them. These times I was often met with such deep anger. I was told that I was smarter than that and I wasn’t applying myself. Never once was I asked how I was doing in school or maybe why my grades were not reflecting my true intelligence. Looking back now, I see that it was just another way of trying to dim my light. Another way to contain true power within.  It was around this same time when my musical abilities were critiqued as well. I began music lessons in 3rd grade and really loved them. I was taking guitar and later added piano and vocal. Each week I would learn something new and be so excited to show my parents. I would be nervous to play and a strong part of me was seeking their praise and validation. I was just wanting positive feedback which I never received. Instead, I heard “you screwed up a note. Why aren't you doing (insert whatever they came up with in the moment) instead? I don’t understand why I am paying for these lessons if you are only doing 1 thing in them.” I used to write songs and I gave it up after their harsh words in response to them. Hours upon hours of learning different notes and chords all shot down each time I played for them. 

My rewrite: is recognizing how intelligent I really am. That a letter or a number on a test does not define me. I am able to display my intelligence in other ways that are better suited for me as an individual. I was never meant to fit the status quo. I was meant to be different and stand out. I was meant to connect with others on a much deeper level. Not just memorize facts and circle them on a sheet of paper. I was meant to have parents that understood how I learned and how I expressed the information I obtained. I was meant to be recognized for my deep love of history and how I could just lose myself in my stack of books. My rewrite is focusing on how quickly I am able to pick up new songs. Focusing on my dedication to learning something I am still so passionate about. Learning music has been such a stable part of my life. I am proud to say I play 5 instruments and 3 of which are self taught. How amazing it is that I can pick up a new instrument and figure out the basics. I'm so thankful it is still such a large part of my life. 

Chapter 2.5 (ish) Teen Years-

As a teen, there are truly too many things that were looked at as wrong. Between school, and the friendships I had, and literally everything else, there are too many details to list. So instead I will do an overall rewrite. There were so many times where I was forced to wear a mask of my true self. I was constantly being told I was too much or I was too loud. When I was just being my authentic self. I would hide in my room and turn my music up. My room became my sanctuary. The one place I could just be me. Yet, I was always on edge when my dad got home from work. I was always worried about what I said or did to not cause issues. To not have the backlash or the yelling. I began hiding things from my parents. Not telling them where I was or who I was with. I was looking for love outside myself and others. I didn’t have the respect for my body yet there was always this voice inside my head (of my dad’s) saying “all you have for yourself is your name and if you become known as a whore there isn’t any going back” now as a mother I look back at that comment and think “who the fuck says that to their teenage daughter”? I am choosing to rewrite all of those memories at once.

My Rewrite: I recognize how uniquely amazing I am. How I stand out like a sore thumb everywhere I go because of the energy I bring to the table. That I was never too loud or too much. I was exactly the way God made me to be. I am happy and cheerful and carefree. I am a free spirit that was never meant to fit the mold instead I was meant to break the molds. I dance and sing freely because that is my inner expression of who I am. I made the choices I did because of the restrictions I had at home. Breaking free was the only way I felt anything at all. I realize I was meant to be admired, not hidden away. I shouldn’t have been shamed or told to act a specific way. I should have been encouraged to dig deeper and let my true self shine bright. 

Chapter 3: The Whiplash of "Support"-

After high school I did a semester in college and quickly figured out I needed to get out of there. Out of my house, out of college, and just out of the state. So I joined the Army. I entered the reserves because of my parents. I was led to believe that I still needed to complete college or I wouldn’t be worth anything. So I enlisted. Now for the vast majority of parents, that would have been such a proud parent moment… but that wasn’t how it was received at my house. I was told they didn’t see me following through with it. The comments of you walk away from everything else you do so how do you think signing up for 8 years of something is going to go. You can’t just walk away when you are “bored”. Another great example of not understanding who I am on a core level. Fast forward a few months and I completed basic training. At the time that was one of the most challenging yet rewarding things I had ever accomplished. I had my parents, grandparents and boyfriend. What more could a girl want? Yet it turned into complete drama and I received the blame because of something my then boyfriend did. My dad was livid that he was even there and still to this day blames me for taking “his moment away from him”. Weird I thought I was the one that completed basic…not him…silly me. Then fast forward to my 1st deployment a few months later. I had the opportunity to be on a hospital ship for 6 months. At the age of 19, that is quite the adventure to be had. Within the first week of being gone, my boyfriend was locked up for a DUI. I stuck by his side and my parents resented me for it. Another of my “poor” life choices in their eyes. They were constantly causing drama between them and my boyfriend. They even went to my apartment and cleaned all my stuff and blamed it all on my boyfriend. It was held over my head that they had to do that and again it was all my fault. On the deployment though,I learned so much and met some amazing people. When I returned I ended up pregnant with Lane within a few short months. Now, this is with the same guy that “wrecked” my dads, I mean MY basic graduation. They had always hated him and never held back on letting me know it. I was terrified to tell my parents when I found out. I went to my aunt and told her first. She told me everything was going to be okay and from her I believed it. When I sat down and told my parents, hell broke open. I was yelled at and told how much of a disappointment I was. That I was throwing my life away and that I should just get an abortion. All amazing things to tell your 20 year old daughter, huh. I was terrified of having to raise this baby on my own and they were in no hurry to help me. For months this continued. When I delivered Lane, his dad was locked up in jail for his 2nd or 3rd DUI (I can’t remember which one). I had a room full of people and yet I felt so alone. And this may shock you, but again it was my fault I had to deliver Lane on my own. I took Lane to his dad’s court hearing a few days after leaving the hospital and that was the end of the world. How dare I support my child's father. I split time between my parents and his dads house. Each time being judged for going there. I broke things off with him when Lane was 6ish months old. This was due to his addictions and I didn’t want to lose Lane. I never heard the end of it and the constant reminder of my “failures”.

Chapter 3.5 Continued “Protecting the Family Image”-

A few months later I met Jase's dad. He came into our lives like a knight in shining armor. My parents just adored him and I jumped in head first. After we moved in together things still seemed fine. It also seemed like maybe I was doing something my parents would be proud of. We got married early in the relationship because I thought that was expected of me. Since being a single mom was such a disappointment to the family image. Well I had to take a major swig of Jack Daniels to get down the aisle and that should have been a sign enough for me not to do it. The worst part is, the only reason I ignored my intuition that day was because I didn’t want it to be another failure in my parents eyes. I didn’t want to disappoint them and everyone else that showed up that day. Sooooo I sucked it up and walked down the aisle. It wasn’t long after when his true colors came out. The verbal and sexual abuse and yet I kept it all to myself. I tried talking to my mom about it and was told “well that is just part of being a wife” and that I should be doing more to keep him happy. 8 months into the marriage I left him and moved back in with my parents. I was also 8 months pregnant with Jase at the time. My dad was livid that I was getting a divorce and told me “if it wasn’t for the kids you would have to lay in the bed you made.” I never fully disclosed everything that happened to me because truly what difference would it have made in their eyes. They had such little faith in their own daughter so why not just take the blame. 

Chapter 4 Tale of Traveling the World-

I received the opportunity for an overseas deployment. This was after multiple look overs for promotions and so I knew this would be the career advancement I needed. My dad was again livid because he and my mom would have the boys for the 9 months I was gone. Which pairs oddly with “I am so proud of you for being in the Army”. I don’t know how I don’t have severe whiplash from the back and forth my whole life. I made the tough decision and volunteered for the deployment. The whole time I was made to feel guilty for them having to watch my boys. Every little thing was blown out of proportion. I had the worst 9 months of my life there due to toxic leadership. To make it worse, I didn’t have the family support I needed back home. So I truly felt like I was battling it all alone. When I got home, there were many arguments because I didn’t get the promotion I should have while over there. Which was completely in the control of the Army, not me. It was such a “waste of time” that they had to watch them and I didn’t follow through with what I said. It got worse when I was redeployed for COVID. You seriously would have thought that I created this disease all on my own with how they were treating me. I was “abandoning” my children yet again to them. Every day I was hounded to know when I was coming back to take care of them. Yet I was on indefinite orders and I myself had no clue when I would be returning. While I was gone, I made the decision to move to WA to be with my then boyfriend (who I met in Kuwait). When I got back home, I let my parents know that I was going to make the move and stand on my own 2 feet. Well you probably already guessed it and that was the worst thing I could have done to them. I was given the cold shoulder after being told how awful I was for taking the grandkids away. I moved out to WA and just dealt with all the shit being thrown my way from them. My dad refused to come out of spite. Yet he was able to go on vacation. I got married again and after a while we grew apart. Yep another failure in their eyes. We grew apart and I knew it wasn’t fair to try and make the marriage work. We would have ended up resenting each other and I preferred ending it on a good note and being friends in the long run. I was told I was ruining my life and they never understood the choice I made. I decided to stay in WA and continue to live the life I created for myself there. It was held against me that I didn’t move back to WI. Even though I was doing amazing in the fire department out there and even started my own business. When it comes to my business, I was told not to quit my medical job because I would never succeed or make it. They never understood what I did or the job I offered. It was just another choice I was making that would fail. Noticing a trend here? I took a trip to WI for my best friend's wedding and for once stood in my power and set boundaries. The backlash I received was being told to “get the fuck out of my house” in front of my kids. It was all over a lack of asking me what my plans were while I was there. Another time of my needs or plans not being considered. 

Now that last section was quite a lot and I can almost guarantee I missed quite a few things, but I am going to do one full rewrite to it all. A new ending of chapters for MY story.

My Rewrite- I look back on all these situations and experiences and I am so proud of myself. I am proud of never giving up even when the world around me was dark. I never caved to the voices in my head telling me to end it all, even when that seemed like the easier option sometimes. I am proud of myself for choosing myself in the situations I knew were not meant for me. I walked away from relationships that were toxic and unhealthy. I recognize that my body is not a tool to keeping a man but instead a temple of Divine sovereignty. I realize that I am such a bright light and I am meant to shine bright and not allow anyone in my life to dim in it. I have learned that the actions of others are not a definition of who I am. I chose to lead a life full of love not a life of being a victim. 

My voice has such power and is meant to be heard. I am not meant to shackle myself to make others feel better. I look back and find the positives in every situation. I dedicated 14 years of my life to the Army when so many thought I couldn’t do it. I am successfully running a business that heals and connects with people all over the world. I am raising my boys to be kind hearted love filled men. I have overcome many obstacles in my life. To me that sounds like a life full of success, not a life full of failures. I now know who I am and how I am meant to navigate this world.

My parents don’t get to define me or write my script, I GET TO.

What part of your story are you ready to rewrite today?